The Marauder Version of the TellTale Heart
by RonWeasleyLove
Summary: Edgar Allen Poe's The TellTale Heart is now in a new Marauder version! Funny oneshot. Enjoy.


**A/n: Read and Review also check out my other story Love Will Be Our Destany**

"It's true, I was nervous very nervous indeed, but I was only half the man I am now. At first she thought me mad but I, I thought her mad hot!" Sirius said as soon as he sat down at the common room couch with Remus and James.

"What are you talking about Padfoot?" Remus asked.

"Well it is hard to say how the first thought of it came into my mind but once I thought it I couldn't get it out of my mind. I loved her; she had never wronged me, and had never given me an insult. For her galleons, I had no desire but I knew what I wanted" continued Sirius.

"Are you talking about a girl Sirius?" Remus asked in confusion.

"Yes indeed I am Remus." He said

"Wow what happens Christmas break doesn't stay in Christmas break!" James said.

"Oh no. This should get interesting" said Remus.

"I opened her door oh, so gently and then after thinking that thought again I opened the lantern and a sliver of light came out of it. There she was, sleeping. Not wanted to disturb her slumber it took me an hour to leave the room again. I would prove her wrong! Would a mad man be this considerate as to not disturb her? NO! He wouldn't! I have never been so dissimulated!" he ranted.

"Dissimulated? What dose that mean? Where did you learn that word Padfoot?" James said it utter bewilderment.

"Dissimulate, to hide one's feelings or purpose. How sagacity of you to use such a word" Remus said. Sirius nodded and before he could continue his story James spoke again.

"Why do you know these big words I don't Sirius! Sagity!?" James said slightly panicking. Sirius quickly ignored him and continued his tale.

"But she had this vulture arse that I wanted to get to."

"_What!?_" Remus said.

"Is that a compliment?" asked James.

"Yes it is. As I was. I did this every night for a week. By the eighth night I felt the extent of my own powers. I could scarcely contain my felling of…err…triumph, to get to the vulture bum. As I at a snail's pace I opened the door the room was pitch black for the blinds were closed. I knew she could not see me. 'Who's there?' her voice cried out. I opened the tin on the lantern. You cannot imagine how stealthily, STITHILY, I opened it, and the beam of light landed, as if by instinct, at her…uhh…upper area." He said jumping off the couch in the middle of this and acted it out, dancing around the room.

"Whoa" James said in awe.

"Sirius that's _disgusting_!" Remus said frowning at his fellow Marauder.

"But I was still no mad man. You see I needed it; I wanted it with a passion! I was hearing a low, dull ringing in my ears, like a watch wrapped in cotton. The anxiety, the anxiousness had seized me! Finally I had made myself into the room. And very slowly, very, _very _slowly I trusted myself in and she let out a moan, the kind of moan that came from the bottom of one's soul." Sirius persisted.

"Ahh!" Remus cried covering his ears, "No stop! Eww Padfoot, I don't want to know!"

"And you how are you not being a perv or a 'mad man' as you put it" James asked.

"Ahh Prongs you see this is where you are wrong, would I go so slowly and wait so many nights if I was a mad man!?" Sirius reasoned.

"Uhh" said James in thought.

"Then at about four in the morning there was a knock on her door from her parents. They said they had herd a shriek from the room and suspected foul, _inappropriate_, if you will, play going on. She simply explained that it was her own shriek in a dream and I had come to comfort her, and rid her of the fear it brought her." Sirius said, still jumping around the room.

"You did it when her parents were home?" James asked.

"Ah yes indeed," stated Sirius.

"I _really _did not want to hear that story OR to know about your shag life Padfoot!" Remus said crossing his arms.

"Oh Moony, Moony, Moony, some day you will be up to my level." Sirius said stroking his hair back as though he was Remus's superior.

"Of coarse Sirius" said Remus dully.

"Then the next night I had a dream. I had finally killed this old man and I had did it oh so carefully! I cut up the body and hid it under the floorboards so no one would suspect anything and I left not a drop of blood for anyone to find! MUAHAHAHAHA" Sirius exclaimed and suddenly started evil laughing.

"Okay I'm done here. Good luck with crazy, Prongs" Remus said standing up.

"No way I'm leaving too!" said James running away not too far behind Remus.


End file.
